NEUTERED SHOW
                              
                   Wake Forest University
                              
                      November 6, 1993
     The University of Virginia would like to welcome
everybody to today's contest between the visiting Demon
Deacons of  Wake Forest and our very own Virginia Cavaliers.
Today is Cattle Prod Day at Scott Stadium.  The first 1000
patrons to buy a hot dog at one of the specially marked
concession stands will receive a free RJR Cattle Prod,
compliments of the Virginia Boosters.  Prod the Cavaliers
onto victory with 100,000 Volts.
     At half-time, it's a spectacular performance by the
Virginia Glee Club!  Today's show:   A star-spangled salute
to Anthrax!  You won't want to miss the wacky antics of this
premiere musical group.
     And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we are
proud to introduce today's pregame entertainment.
      Its The Award Winning Ice Skating Virginia Foaming at
the Mouth Fighting No Beer Cavalier Renegade Steer Clear
Turn Em' In and Turn Em in and Turn Em in And Fly
Indoor/Outdoor  Precision(?) Incision Marching Pep Band and
Chowder  Lobotomy Society Revue, Unlimited!!!!!!!!!

     The Clinton Administration announced yesterday that
they will face off against North American Free Trade
Agreement opponent H. Ross Perot.  The President has chosen
none other than vice-president Al Gore to go head to head
with Perot for this televised debate.  It should be a
fantastic event-- Perot will have all his cardboard charts
and graphs, and Gore will just be cardboard.

     In a related story, President Clinton spoke out against
NAFTA opponents, particularly one whom he called "that guy
with the giant sucking sound".  Senator Bob Packwood has
refused to comment.
Form of: V
Music:  The Stripper

     The Pep Band is proud to introduce yet another
corporate sponsor into our fold of advertisers.  We pause
now for a word from Schmuck.  Searching for a great looking
shave, well look no further-- the Schmuck Tracer is the
first razor with segmental twin blade action.   The first
blade loosens and weakens the epidermal layer of the skin
and the second blade peels it off like a potato.   What it
all means is  a cleaner, closer shave for you, not to
mention that stingingly fresh sensation that will come when
you slap on a little Schmuck After shave.  It's deep
cleaning action cleans ligaments and tissues while
cauterizing gashes to stop any major bleeding.  That's the
power of  Schmuck!    Now available in designer colors
mauve, lavender, and teal.  Try it, what the schmuck?!
Form of:  Square with guy shaving in middle
Music:  Live and Let Die

     Taco Bell recently opened a new franchise in Mexico
City, Mexico.  Although proclaimed by many as a "fine
example of how the North American Free Trade Agreement can
work," the new franchise has caused outrage among U.S.
immigration officials.  Apparently, many Mexican's are
getting the wrong idea from the slogan, "Make a run for the
boarder."
Form of:  A Bell
Music:  Championship

FLASH: Michael Farris, you were the only Republican to be
beaten in a landslide.  What will you do next?  "I'm going
to ban Disney World!"

     Now that George Allen has taken his place as Governor-
elect, many members of the media have labeled current
Governor Doug Wilder as a lame duck.  In response, Wilder
was quoted as saying  "QUACK QUACK Who said that?  That's
despicable!!" (in Daffy Duck voice)
Form of:  A check.
Music:  Muppet Show Theme

     I was watching the news the other day when yet another
story about television violence came on.  Ya know, I'm
getting sick and tired of people blaming the media for all
the worlds problems.  What's up with this country?!
Somebody gets shot and Janet Reno goes on TV to say "THE TV
DID IT, THE TV DID IT! WE HAVE STATISTICS!"  Well, JANET,
why don't you release the statistics that prove every time
your face shows up on the small screen small children have
nightmares that that big ugly monster in the pink suit is
gonna come and eat them.  How's that for a statistic, JANET?
I mean come on... if you want to make TV viewing more
pleasant,  why not start by wearing some make-up?!   And let
me tell you something else-- If I hear one more story about
how Beavis and Butthead are responsible for death,
destruction, Satanism, robberies, fat thighs, cholesterol
and child abuse, I'm going to vomit.  Remember that three
year old who burned down his family's house?  His Mom goes
on TV and says that Beavis and Butthead made the kid do it!
OHHH....YEAH MOMMY!  You are right on target!  Who can
forget that episode when Beavis said "Leaving your three
year-old home alone all day is cool, heh heh heh!"  Listen
up folks-- if TV violence caused the worlds problems, how
many kids would be walking around with third degree burns on
their hands from rubbing tea-pots after watching "I Dream of
Jeannie".  And if your son or daughter is stupid enough to
lay down in the street during rush hour, they don't need
family-oriented television-- they need lobotomies.  I'LL
TELL YOU THIS:  I GREW UP ON TELEVISION VIOLENCE!!  AND LOOK
WHERE I AM NOW!!  TV VIOLENCE HAS NOT AFFECTED ME ONE
GODDAMN BIT!  SO SHUT UP OR DIE, YOU JERKS!! (He fires the
gun)
Form of:  TV set
Music:  Hawaii 5-0

FLASH:  Would the parents of the 11 children currently
running around on the Scott Stadium Astroturf please come
down and remove them... They are beating the Wake Forest
football team.

     Are you ready for some exciting Frisbee dog action?
Watch them run, watch them fetch, watch them jump on
command.  They'll do most anything for a pat on the head.
That's right folks... it's sorority rush!  Don't miss it.
Form of:  Frisbee
Music:  Centerfold


     The University of Virginia's Athletic Department
recently announced a multi-million dollar project which will
totally change the face of University Hall.  The renovations
involve building a square around the current building, which
will give U-Hall an interesting new shape: short and square,
yet plump in the middle.  Architects admit the building was
designed with athletic director Jim Copeland in mind.
Form of:  A square with a circle in the middle.
Music:  Cav Song

     Even though today's game promises to be almost as
exciting as an Irish WAKE,  Let's all join hands and give a
yell for dear ol' UVa.
Music:  Good ol' Song

     This show has been a presentation of the Award Winning
Virginia Fighting Cavalier Indoor Outdoor Precision Marching
Pep Band and Chowder Society Revue Unlimited.  The show you
have just witnessed was not a news program.  The people,
places, and events have been recreated for your viewing
pleasure.  Whenever possible, the real Pep Band was used for
dramatic re-enactments.  Students, five bucks have been
deducted from your Arts Dollars for your attendance at
today's show.  Parents, please notice that there were no
references to sex in today's show.  Or at least until now.
SEX. Thank you for enjoying the show!  This has been a paid
political announcement.