The Touch My Monkey and Lick It Show
Ohio University
October 2, 1993
Are you lost in a spiritual nether world? Do you
wonder why you exist? Or do you just need someone to shoot
the breeze with? Well now there's a hot new phone line, just
for you. Dial 1-900-I-AM-GOD, and speak with the holiest of
holies, the maker of heaven and earth, the creator of the
universe, the one and only almighty GOD! He's the man with
the plan, and He wants to talk with you! See the Light, and
have your most intimate prophesies fulfilled! Dial, 1-900-I-
AM-GOD, today!! (Calls cost 99 cents for the first minute
and 15 dollars for each additional minute, Visa and Master
Card welcome)
Oooh.... that sounds interesting! Let's give that number a
try, shall we!
(Dial Tones....Phone Picks up)
Thanks for dialing 1-900-I-AM-GOD, the one and only Divine
Hotline! To speak with Allah, please press one. To speak
with Zeus, please press two. To speak with Buddha, the
enlightened one, please press three. To speak with Yahweh,
please press four. And if you'd like to speak to the
regular old Christian Heavenly Parent please press five.
(press the dial tone)
Thank you for calling the Divine Hotline! We will connect
you with the God of your choice in just a moment. (MUZAC:
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY) (God answers) Hey! It's me, God! I'm
sorry I'm not here to take your call right now, but me and
the kid have gone to watch a the Virginia game. Please
leave your name, number, and the time you called, and I'll
try to get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks for
calling! And please, remember, don't take my name in vain.
(Beep) Hi God.... it's 12:00 on Saturday, and we're THE
AWARD WINNING VIRGINIA FIGHTING FRUITY CAVALIER WITH FRESH
LEMON SCENT INDOOR OUTDOOR OUTHOUSE FAT FREE REDUCED CALORIE
PRECISION PRECISION PRECISION MARCHING IN PLACE PEP BAND AND
CHOWDER NO JOKES ABOUT BARNEY TODAY SOCIETY REVIEW,
UNLIMITED!
At an address in Newcomb hall last week, the National
Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws revealed that
the juice of marijuana seeds may be squeezed out and used as
a clean and affordable source of energy. Experts say that
unlike gasoline, Marijuana juice would not deplete the
ozone layer. On the other hand, it would make the ozone
layer absent minded and give it a bad case of the munchies.
Form of: A large Reefer
Music: 25 or 6 to 4
And in a tribute to our burned out friends at The White
Spot, The Pep Band has beamed into the future to bring you
this network news update from the year 3010. While
searching through the rubble of what is believed to be the
site of the ancient University of Virginia, archaeologists
recovered an ancient food source, once called the Gus
Burger. According to Dr. Schwitzel, due to the amount of
grease it contained, it has remained perfectly preserved for
the last 1017 years. And, UMMM... (chomp chomp chomp) it
still tastes GREAT!
Form of: G
Music: Cav Song
For reference purposes, lets compare the great states of
Virginia and Ohio:
Looking at history, Virginia is the home of dignified
President's -- great men like George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson, James Madison and James Monroe. Ohio is also the
home of many presidents--men with impressive records like
the adulterer Warren Harding, people who got shot like
William McKinley, and drunk crooks like Ulysses S. Grant.
Looking at natural resources, Virginia is a state of
unparalleled natural beauty. We've got the Blue Ridge
Mountains and The Eastern Shore. Ohio has the privilege of
being home to Lake Eerie and the Cuyahoga River-- the only
combustible waterways in North America.
And finally, Virginia is home of one of the finest
institutions in the nation: The University of Virginia.
Ohio is also the home of several fine institutions, but all
of them have padded cells and locks on the door.
Form of: V
Music: Jailhouse Rock
FLASH: And now for a Public Service Announcement: The Pep
Band reminds you that October is National Teen Pregnancy
Month, so be sure to take advantage of this special
opportunity.
Congress has been flooded recently with requests to
dedicate months to certain causes. Of course, we already
have Black History Month, Sexual Abuse Awareness Month, and
many others. But here are a few months that DIDN'T make it:
Tuition Increase Appreciation Month
Illiteracy Awareness Month-- write for free details
Dead White Anglo Saxon Protestant Men Appreciation
Month
Hillary Clinton's Hairstyle History Month
Lesbian Transsexual Transvestites and the Women that
Love them Awareness Month
And of course, That Time Of the Month
Form of: ?
Music: Joy to the World
Ladies and gentlemen, last weekend, after the Pep
Band show, we found a young orange tabby cat with white feet
and markings, wearing a red collar with the name "Snuggles"
inscribed on the tags. If this sounds like your cat,
thanks, because it tasted really good.
Form of: Cat's Face
Music: Johnny be Goode
As I was walking around grounds the other day, I
noticed that many of our buildings are marked as "Fallout
Shelters". Do you really think that Cabell Hall is an
effective radioactive fallout shelter ? Now think about it,
it's not even effective classroom space-- how the heck could
it be a fallout shelter. Something tells me that if the
Bomb is coming and I'm stuck in Central Grounds, I'm
bypassing Cabell Hall, and heading straight to the Athletic
Department. At least they have some experience in dealing
with fallout. And while we're on the subject of buildings,
what the heck is going on with all this construction? This
doesn't look like a university-- it looks Homestead Florida
after the hurricane. MY THEORY is that all of this
construction is just a plot by the secret societies so that
they can get more free advertising space. Yeah-- as if their
aren't enough Z's everywhere already. Have you ever thought
about how much money gets spent on all that white paint?
But does that bother the administration? NO! I just marvel
at the genius of the people who are sitting up in the Board
of Visitors saying...."Hmmm.... looks like there aren't
enough professors for all the students. We better build a
new recreation center." Here's an idea-- let's fill in all
the holes that they've already dug, sell the whole damn
University to VMI so that they can start a Women's Military
Institution, and then take the money and run!
Form of: House
Music: On Broadway
On this very special Homecomings Weekend, the Pep Band
would like to say "welcome back" to all you old farts. And
although we are going to pummel Ohio today, it never hurts
to sing the Good Ol' Song, so let's all join hands and give
a yell for dear old UVA!
Music: Good ol' Song
This show has been a presentation by the Award Winning
Virginia Fighting Cavalier Indoor Outdoor Precision Marching
Pep Band and Chowder Society Review Unlimited! We
congratulate you on your fine choice of musical
entertainment today. The Pep Band warrants that the show
will substantially conform to published specifications and
documentation, provided that it is used in the context for
which the show was designed. The Pep Band warrants that the
jokes in this show are free from defects in materials and
workmanship. The Pep Band will replace defective jokes at
no charge, provided you return the item with dated proof of
payment to the Pep Band within 90 days of the date of
delivery of the show. If the Pep Band is unable to replace
defective comedy, then you will be fully refunded. These
are your sole remedies for any breach of warranty. Because
shows are inherently complex and may not be completely free
of errors, you are advised to verify our work. In no event
will the Pep Band be liable for direct, indirect, special,
incidental, or consequential damages arising out of the use
of or the inability to use these jokes. Remember-- you get
what you pay for. Thank you for enjoying the show! Schlitz
Malt Liquor.