The Amazing Scratch-n-Sniff Show
Duke University
September 25, 1993
When we here at the Pep Band say we support Virginia
athletics, we mean it! In fact, one of our favorite teams
to play for is the Fighting Cavalier Chess Squad! As a
special treat, let's get some analysis on the final moves of
last nights match between UVA and Virginia Tech: On
Virginia's 20th move, Rook to e1, Tech passed up a chance
to accept a draw. If Tech had played move 20 as Knight to
c4 and shuttled their knight back and forth between c4 and
b6, attacking the queen each time, they could have forced a
draw by repetition. Instead, Rook to c4 snuffed out Tech's
last significant threat. After move 21, Queen to a4, the
game would have continued with move 22 Knight to d6 for
check , then Knight to d8, on move 23, and then Knight to 7c
for check and finally move 24 Knight to d6 for checkmate.
Virginia avoided some non-lethal harassment that would have
followed move 29, which was Rook to b3, thus capturing the
queen at a4 Hey-- let's see that again in slow motion!. In
the end, Virginia chopped wood, or in other words, traded
down to a clearly won endgame. Damn, Those guys are
geniuses! It's THE AWARD WINNING MOTHER PHEASANT PLUCKING
VIRGINIA FIGHTING THE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT CAVALIER INDOOR
OUTDOOR Hey-- hold it right there guys, let's see some I.D.
VALADINE DESTROYING INDOOR OUTDOOR PRECISION OH WHEN THE
SAINTS GO MARCHING PEP BAND AND NEW ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER
SOCIETY SUCKS REVIEW THIS! UNLIMITED!!!
The results are in, and Sydney Australia has edged out
Beijing China to host the Olympic games for the year 2000.
Olympic committee officials say they made their final
decision after seeing video taped demonstrations of what the
opening ceremonies would look like. The Committee was
impressed by most everything in China's show, except for
that little part where the tanks mowed down all the athletes
in the field.
Form of: The Moving Tank
Song: China Grove
FLASH! To show our solidarity with our Jewish brothers and
sisters here at the University, The Pep Band has decided not
to perform inside of Scott Stadium for today's game.
Nothing like a well balanced breakfast to start a
fellow's day out right, but there are some breakfast cereals
that are, well, a little hard to swallow... Cereals such as
Crispy wheats and Fishhooks -stay sharp in milk
Shredded Meat, stays bloody in milk
Cream of Feet -with toe jam
Sugar Smack -Oooh...It's magically addictive
Count Crotchula
Lice Crispies -Snap crackle and pop
Form of: A Bowl
Song: 25 or 6 to 4
The Pep Band will be right back after a word from our
sponsor:
Tired of being uneducated? Bored with your same ol'
routine? Searching for a place that you can call home?
Well look no further-- if you act now, you can attend the
52nd best college buy in the nation. It's not Clemson....
it's not Florida State.... and it's certainly not Duke.....
IT'S THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA!!! That's right attend dear
old UVA, the land of the free and the home of the brave!
For just 79-99, you'll get the finest education in
Charlottesville. But that's not all you'll get-- act now,
and we'll throw in a Thomas Jefferson breathalyzer test, a
student council "Flip-the-coin" decision maker, and your
choice from a wide selection of sorority girls or fraternity
boys. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! For taking advantage of this
special offer, we'll throw in a set of Ginsu Knives-- they
slice, they dice, they'll silence your roommate! And
they'll be yours, but only if you order now! AND HERE'S
ANOTHER BONUS-- if you're a play collegiate athletics, we'll
take two thousand dollars off your tuition! THAT'S TWO
THOUSAND DOLLARS OFF YOUR TUITION!! BUT YOU MUST ACT NOW!!
Just call 1-800-Hoo's-Pay, that's 1-800-Hoo's-Pay and say
you want to join the University of Virginia! All phone
lines are open! CALL TODAY!! (offer does not include sales
tax, room, or board.... out of state students pay extra, see
admissions officials for details)
Form of: $
Song: Cav Song
FLASH: You know, I almost applied to go to Duke, but when I
was a child and was being potty trained, my Mom would ask if
I had to go pee or dookey. I guess the connection just
kinda stuck.
Newsweek magazine reports that environmentalists have
targeted condoms as being unsafe for the environment because
they are both unrecyclable and non-biodegradable. In
response, the Trojan condom manufacturing company has
announced that it is experimenting with the production of
paper-based condoms. Ya know... that's all well and good...
but I have this fear of my partner rolling over in bed and
asking "Would you like Paper or Plastic sir?" Geez-- and
you though paper cuts on your finger were bad!
Form of: A Big, Long Finger
Song: Gimme Some Lovin'
Now for some news from around the globe!
South African President F.W. De Klerk's decision to
allow blacks to serve in Parliament was received poorly,
yesterday. Apparently, the African National Congress
learned that, in addition to serving in Parliament, De Klerk
wanted blacks to cook and clean there, too.
And in a related story, a recent Cavalier Daily article
revealed that the University has yet to dissolve its
holdings in South Africa. They told us they would do this
years ago! But it just doesn't seem financially sound to
divest at the moment... Awww.... Well, the Pep Band has no
qualms about divestment. (Band removes vests)
Form of: V
Song: Runaway
Governor Douglas Wilder has had quite enough of
President Casteen's moaning and groaning about impending
budget cuts. Wilder has told Casteen to stop whining, and
has suggested that he try some of these things to make up
for the budget shortfall:
Burn down the Rotunda and collect on the insurance.
Sell statues of Homer and Icarus for scrap metal.
Prop up Mr. Jefferson's body in the Rotunda and charge
admission.
And if all else fails, Hold a battle of the Monster
Trucks.... on the historic LAWN!!
Form of: $
Song: Centerfold
It's not their basketball team, but those Duke Blue-
Devils can still put up a good fight. So, lets all join
hands and give a yell for dear ol' UVa.
Form of: V
Song: The Good 'Ol Song
The preceding show was a presentation of the Virginia
Fighting Cavalier Indoor Outdoor Precision Marching Pep Band
and Chowder Society Revue Unlimited! The show was rated R
by the scramble band association. Persons under the age of
17 were not permitted to view today's show without parental
guidance. The Pep Band will not be held responsible for
things under age people may do later in their lives as a
result of the material in this show. All characters in this
show were purely fictitious, with the exception of your
Mother in law. Any resemblance to your Mother in law was
totally intentional, although none of us are really that
fat. Thank you for enjoying the show! Anhuaser Busch, St.
Louis Missouri.