The Bloody Spree Show
The University of North Carolina
October 23, 1993
Howdy, you can call me Ace, and on behalf of the
Department of Tourism, I'd like to tell y'all about North
Carolina. Imagine, if you will, the sun settin' over Lucky
Joe's Gator Farm as the scent of stale tobaccy juice flirts
with your nostrils. From the distance, ring the squawks of
fighting chickens. The beauty is just a staggerin'. Ahhhh
Yessindeedy, North Carolina done got something for everyone.
Excepting of course if you ARE one of them long hair
pinko commie hippie types. I'll tell you right now that the
only red you'll see down here goes on the back of your neck!
And we don't take kindly to no uppity women folk in
North Carolina, neither. Y'all can just quit your bitching
and head for the kitchen!
And all you homosexuists remember the God made Adam and
EVE, not Adam and Steve.
We don't want to hear no song and dance about equal
rights, cuz the only dance you'll be doing down here in
Carolina, boy, will be at the end of a rope!
And you'd best not mention anything about that damn GUN
CONTROL, (whips out gun) or I'll fill you so full of holes
that you'll be whistling Dixie every time the wind blows.
And if there's one thing that REALLY pisses us off here in
North Carolina, it's THE AWARD WINNING VIRGINIA MEDIA
SLUTTING CAVALIER'S SCORED TWO AGAINST FLORID STATE,
INDOOR/LOCKED OUT DOOR, TAKEN A LICKING BUT KEEPS ON
TICKING, PRECISION STILL NOT MARCHING PEP PUKE BAND AND
BEEF STROGANOFF SOCIETY REVIEW, UNLIMITED!!! AS SEEN ON TV!
A recent article in U. Magazine revealed that the
University of Minnesota's women's gymnastics team got a
little more than they bargained for when their coaches,
Katlain and Gabor Deli, gave team members a video tape of
the teams latest meet. You see, the video tape
inadvertently included 20 minutes of hot, steamy, gymnastic
sex between the husband and wife coaching staff. The bad
news is that the Delis were fired for committing NCAA
violations. The good news is that judges gave them a
perfect 10 for their floor routine.
Music (Stripper)
Form: 69
The United States Postal Service recently allocated 7.5
million dollars towards changing their official logo. The
new logo will better reflect the speed and efficiency of the
Post Office. The crippled snail goes into effect sometime
next month.
Music: Soul Man
Form: Snail
Tensions over charges of negative campaigning in
Virginia's gubernatorial race came to a head in last night's
debate between Mary Sue Terry and George Allen when Allen
drew a .37 Magnum from his belt, placed it in Democratic
Challenger Terry's mouth and began screaming, "Try to make
me wait five days NOW!"
Music: Jail house Rock
Form: A gun
FLASH! A recent Mason Dixon Poll indicates that George
Allen leads Mary Sue Terry by nine points, a spouse and two
kids.
At 6:30 Tuesday morning, a four point buck jumped the
nine foot barbed wire fence which surrounds Scott Stadium,
scrambled over and fell off the top of a concessions truck,
and made a charge down the football field. The crazed deer
collapsed from exhaustion and loss of blood underneath the V
in the North end zone. In addition to selling hot-dogs,
pretzels and cold drinks at today's game, Scott Stadium
concessions will also feature Shish-Ka-Bambi. (duh-duh duh)
Music: Mustang Sally (interrupted by FLASH)
Form: Tombstone
(if the joke is well received) FLASH! You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves. You thinks that's funny, don't you?
Well there's a big eyed spotted doe out there who doesn't
find it QUITE so amusing. Poor little thing, trembling,
alone, cold in the forest. Oh, go ahead, just play your
damn song.
North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms was hospitalized
last week with third degree burns after he tripped on his
sheet and landed on his torch. Doctors say not to worry,
though -Jesse will be O K K K!
Music: Joy to the World
Form: OK
Wahoos for Mike Farris for Lieutenant Governor will be
holding a bonfire tomorrow in Carrs Hill Field. Everyone is
invited, so bring your marshmallows and any books you don't
agree with.
Music: Hawaii 5-0
Form: a check
Following the retirement of Michael Jordan, the Chicago
Bulls have been forced to find the one man capable of
replacing him -Jesus Christ Himself!
Jesus has intercepted a pass and is taking it down
court. Whoa! The ball has slipped through His hands again.
But He's recovered it and is going for the lay up. Oops,
Jesus is pinned at the board! But it's a turn around jump
shot and Jesus scores for two. The crowd goes wild! You
know, Jesus is shooting for 100% this season and it looks
like THIS carpenter's son from Nazareth is going places.
He's quarterback for the football squad, and He always
throws a perfect Hail Mary! In the boxing ring, He keeps
turning the other cheek, but that hasn't stopped Him from
winning the Heavyweight Crown of thorns. Jesus rose for
you, He rose for me, He rows for the crew team! Well, not
exactly. He doesn't row, he gets out back and pushes! In
fact, there's only one sport Jesus doesn't play... Lacrosse.
Music: Olympic
Form: Basketball court
Those Tar-Heels can get pretty sticky, so lets all join
hands and give a yell with the only audible band here at
dear ol' UVA!!
Form: Cross
Music: Good ol' Song
Todays show was brought to you by the Award Winning
Virginia Fighting Cavalier Indoor/Outdoor Precision(?)
Marching Pep Band and Chowder Society Revue Unlimited!!
This show contained no back masking or subliminal
information of any kind. Instead, all messages from Satan
were presented in plain, straightforward, English. The
material in this show was endorsed by Rush Limbaugh.
However, we are not proud of that fact. All proceeds from
today's show will be loaded into a C-130 cargo plane, flown
over the continent of Africa, and evenly distributed from
35,000 feet. Attention Judiciary Committee, this action
accounts for 150 community service hours. The Pep Band--
always doing its part to help those in need. Thank you for
enjoying the show!! 2% APR financing available, see dealer
for details.