From: "R. Scott Orsey" 
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 93 22:12:10 EDT
X-Mailer: UVa PCMail 1.7.1
To: pep-band@uva.pcmail.virginia.edu
Subject: Boondoggle (Part1)
Status: OR

Pep Band:

     Here's what you've all been waiting for...

Boondoggle

The Show you're  about to see contains violence, adult
situations, and graphic sex.  If you are sitting in the
front row, you will get wet.  Some material may be
inappropriate for children.  Parental discretion is
despised.

***Faculty - student tutoring:
(Throughout this skit, there is a person flashing signs with
the boldfaced words to the audience as the faculty and
student move closer and closer to sexual frenzy)

     As you take your seats, please direct your attention to
the stage where we will recreate typical interaction between
a faculty member and a student:

F:  What seems to be the problem?

S:  Well, I'm having a real HARD time GRASPING the Freudian
concepts you were talking about in your last lecture.

F:  That's funny, I thought I was quite STRAIGHT with you.
I FELT as if you were right there with me.

S:  I understand what you're DRIVING at, but I just thought
you  FIDDLED around too much and the CLIMAX was really slow
CUMMING.

F:  Sorry, I didn't mean to LET YOU DOWN.  I felt like I
should spend more time WORKING YOU UP on the Freudian
concepts before we GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS.  What didn't you
understand?

S:  I've been BONING up on PENIS ENVY, and I've got that
down.  It's the CASTRATION anxiety that I am worried about.

F:  Yes, that one always AROUSES a lot of interest in my
students.  You seem particularly SENSITIVE about this
subject.  I've been looking for a PARTNER in research.  I
think you could DO me a lot of good.

S:  Yes I could DO you well...

          (Student and Prof. go at it on table...)
Ann:
     Cough Cough...
     Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a disgrace.  And while
you may not know it, this happens every day at this
University.  Now you know the truth about office hours.
     Sex between faculty and students is a sucking leach on
the face of this University.  But, what can we do about it?
Can we call the University police? (No!) How about the
Faculty Senate? (No)  Maybe ANN LANE!!!!! (No) MAYBE NOT!!!
(Yes!!!!!!!!)  No, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one
organization with enough power, with enough prowess, WITH
ENOUGH BALLS, to stop this scourge its not student council,
its not your MOM...  Its the award winning , sex stopping ,
hard driving , fast pumping, easy cheese eating, sugar cube
tossing, Virginia fighting Cavalier, indoor, outdoor,
backdoor, penetrating precision marching Pep Band and
chowder chomping, spitting and swallowing society review
UNLIMITED!!!!!!!!!!!  (And uncensored...)...

     Good afternoon!!!!  The Pep Band would like to welcome
you to their first ever Boondoggle.  Today,  we will cut
though the shackles of Oppression and Censorship that have
bound us in the past.  We will delve into the inner workings
of our University, our state, our nation and our pants.  We
will look at things that have never been seen before (much
to the frustration of Chris Weigand,of course).  But,
throughout it all, remember:  45 minutes of sex jokes is
almost as good as 45 minutes of sex.
MUSIC: Runaway
FORM:  "U"
Flash:  Today's show is not closed caption for the hearing
impaired, but it is REALLY REALLY LOUD.

We here at the Pep Band are outraged that a member of the
Jefferson Society told that girl that she had  quote "NICE
TITS".  How insensitive!  How could they possibly go
straight for her tits and overlook her big, firm and
delectable.... Oh never mind.
MUSIC: Centerfold
FORM: "V"

Karoake:
MUSIC: The Good 'Ol Song
BAD HUMOR MAN--(Just sits there and tells stupid jokes)
Q: How many Virginia Tech Graduates does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A:BOTH OF THEM!

The University has announced that students will face higher
tuition rates in the fall.  The University Public Relations
Department has adopted a new slogan for the university to
minimize the publicity.  "UVA-- a Public education for an
Ivy League price".  Runners up included "Virginia-- Charging
You the Most" and "Virginia--Boy, Will You Pay".
and our personal favorites:  "Pay all You want-- We'll
charge More!", "Just Pay It",  "UVa-Mart: The Un-savings
place"  "UVA--We bring good bills to your mailbox" ,
"Virginia Express:  Membership has its Price".
MUSIC: Johnny Be Good
FORM:  "A"

With President Clinton's decision to allow gays in the
military, Pentagon officials are busy rewriting military
policy.  The most recent change will take effect in all Army
divisions beginning this month.  According to military
reports, straight soldiers will continue to use FOX-holes
while gay soldiers will use MAN-holes.

The results are in: A recent Pep Band poll found that 99% of
you thought that last joke was insensitive.  The other one
percent of you are military veterans.
MUSIC: On Broadway

In order to facilitate the decision process for our visiting
prospectives, the Virginia Pep Band offers this simple test
to see if UVa is the place for you:
1)  Have you ever experienced black outs, profuse vomiting,
severe headaches, and slurred speech?
2)  Do you own a confederate flag?
3)  Do you find yourself using the phrase "Man..am I wasted"
in common conversation?
4)  Do you find yourself comfortable in never-ending
construction zones?
5)  When rain threatens, do you quickly put on a pair of
rubber duck boots?
6)  When playing sports, do you do really well in the first
half and then throw the game away?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then UVA is
exactly what you're looking for.
MUSIC: Rugby Road
FORM:  "U"

The FBI, desperate for help in ending the stand off in Waco
Texas, has asked the  Pep Band to mediate the situation.
Our plan is quite simple:  Since Koresh claims that he is
the son of God, we propose that he be crucified.  If he
ascends into heaven, he is Jesus.  If  he doesn't, he's
DEAD.
MUSIC: Live and Let Die

Last week, press members noticed a scratch on President Bill
Clinton's forehead.   The President explained that he
received the scratch while (quote) "rolling around on the
floor with Chelsea".  UGH... as if sex with HILLARY wasn't
bad enough
MUSIC: Hey Baby (Hey Chelsea!)
FORM:  "V"

We need three volunteers for this one.  Now, everyone stand
here.  Now, shut your eyes.  Now realize how stupid you were
for volunteering.  (BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THEM WITH WATER
BALLOONS)
MUSIC: Muppets Song

(Person walks up and whispers to announcer. Ann. says:)You
wanna WHAT my dog?

Editorial:
A:  Now, here with an Editorial on the Pep Band/Rotunda
Scam, is ex-pep band Director James Breen.

J:  Thank You Aaron.  Over the last few weeks, many people
have maligned our wonderful and caring Pep Band as a group
of lewd, sexual harassing drunks.  Nothing could be further
from the truth!  It's time to set the record straight on the
Pep Band.  Yes, we were having a Rotunda party, and yes, we
may have gotten a little too "happy" for the Rotunda staff.
But when push comes to shove, what's a few minor insults
shared between friends?  Sure, so we may have dropped a few
munchies here and there.  And yes, we may have thrown a few
Cornish hens at the heads of the servers.  But hey, who
hasn't tried to kill someone with roast chicken?  Everyone
knows that its all just clean cut college humor.  Okay, so
perhaps a few members punctuated their orders with phrases
like "Hey slick we don't have all night" or "How about some
service, you assholes!?"  These are trifles.  They should be
taken for what they are-- good natured, harmless barbs.  Can
you believe that some people were offended by being mooned
by our band members?  Come on, in Bangladesh, mooning
someone is one of the highest honors you can bestow upon a
person.  And with all that Pep Band flesh, there was plenty
enough honor to go around.  But, as you know, some people
just can't be pleased.  We even tried to help the staff have
some fun by engaging them in a little game of Sugarcube Hide
and Seek.  But they weren't in the mood to play.  And to top
it all off, they have tried to charge us with drinking
INSIDE the Rotunda.  Granted, a large bin with ice was found
in the bathroom, but that could have been left by anyone
seeking hemorrhoid relief.  And so there were a few bottles
and flasks found under the tables afterwards.  I don't need
to point out that not a drop of alcohol was found in any ofthem...
and remember: no alcohol, no alcohol violation.
There, now you know the true Pep Band Story.  THANK YOU.
MUSIC: Jailhouse Rock
FORM:  "A"

     While the faculty senate debates a proposal to prohibit
sexual relations between students and faculty members,
Sororities school wide prepare for what may be the lowest
aggregate grade point average in UVA history.
MUSIC: Gimme Some Lovin'

Now, we take you back through the sands of time to hear
highlights of former Soviet Union Leader Mikhail Gorbachev's
speech:  Pduy; oifp ghjh utbpkj gjkyhjg....  (BAND
APPLAUDS).

In the true spirit of education, classes were canceled for
Jefferson's 250th birthday.  Many say that Mr. J was
probably spinning in his grave... but we here at the Pep
Band know what he was actually doing-- HE WAS ROTTING.
MUSIC: Soul Man
FORM: "U"

If you thought that the choice of Gorbachev as a speaker for
Jefferson's Birthday was a little strange, get a load of
these up-and-coming attractions:
     1)  David Duke keynoting for the Black Student Alliance
     2)  Ted Kennedy for Mothers Against Drunk Driving
     3)  Senator Bob Packwood for The National Organizationfor Women
    4)  David Koresh for Campus Crusade for Christ
     and Joey Buttafuocco for the Women's Center
MUSIC: 25 or 6 to 4

Many women were outraged during Passover, when Jewish
officials didn't allow them to return home because of their
Yeast Infections.
MUSIC: Can't Turn You Loose
(interrupting the music:)
FLASH: Pardon me, but do you have any Gynelotrimen? (Grey
Poupon spoof)
FORM:  "V"

"FemCare" Spoof:
     Woman: What could be worse than a Yeast Infection?
     Announcer: How about a commercial about one!
Now Schlepp is proud to present THIS DAY IN PEP BAND
HISTORY:  On this day in 1986, Jonathan Fordham, a first
year Engineering Student, asked an upperclassman where he
could find a computer center.  the fellow student told him
to go to COCKE Hall, so it is understandable why he ended up
in the 4th floor Cabell Hall Bathrooms.  This has been A DAY
IN PEP BAND HISTORY.
MUSIC: Love Boat
FORM:  "A"

Q:How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:TWO...If you can figure out how to get them inside that
little thing...

     Pubic enemy number one is sweeping the Nation!  That's
right folks, act now and start your own CRAB FARM!
Experience hours of delight with your favorite parasites,
all in the comfort and privacy of your own shorts!  They're
small, they're cute, and they're inexpensive because they
actually live off YOU!  Everyone's itching to start their
own CRAB FARM!  So don't keep them to yourself-- share them
with your friends!
Start your own CRAB FARM today!
MUSIC: Championship

(Guy with a noose around his neck)
FLASH:  BOY, IS HE WELL HUNG OR WHAT?
FORM:  "U"

DARTH:  Luke....Before We fight, there is something I must
tell you
LUKE:  Yeah, I know, you're my Father.
DARTH: No Luke.  I'm your mother.
LUKE:  NOOOOOOOO!!!  That's not
POOOOSSSSSIIIIBBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!
      YOU"RE NOT MY
MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSIC: Magnificent Seven

We've replaced the fine Pep Band we normally serve with
dark, sparkling Folgers Crystals.  Let's see if you can tell
the difference:  Gee, it looks like the Pep Band...It sounds
like the Pep Band...It smells like the Pep band.  Why, I bet
it even tastes like the Pep Band!

Judic Song: (Aaron Ad-libs Judiciary Sanctions)
     You may not realize it, but today marks the 100th
anniversary of the Judiciary Standards of Conduct.  In honor
of this momentous occasion, the Virginia Pep Band has been
commissioned to compose a special song to commemorate the
Judiciary Committee.
Ladies and Gentleman, now we present THE SONG. (at this
point, the band plays Rock and Roll, with Aaron interrupting
the verses after "U" "J" "C" by "singing" the Judiciary
standards of Conduct, a la "We Hold These Truths" from the
Gorbachev-thingy)
MUSIC: Rock and Roll
FORM:  "V"

Q:How many first year women does it take to screw in a
fraternity house?
A:Who cares, as long as they're in my room.

Miller has introduced a new innovation in beer-- Clear Beer.
But what's the point?
Let's go to our research department and find out:
Here at Pep Band Research and Development, we have devised a
test which shows that Clear Beer is clearly a cut above the
rest:  Watch this taste test:
You want to get drunk tonight and you want BEER, well on
this table, we have a glass of  NEW MILLER CLEAR BEER, a
traditional amber colored beer, and another glass, filled
with identically colored and equally chilled....URINE... Now
which are you going to try?
MUSIC: Beer Barrel

(While the band plays, Announcer talks:)
The Pep Band invites you all to join us down here in the
amphitheater following the show to sample large quantities
of the NEW MILLER CLEAR BEER.  In accordance with current
ABC regulations, ALL YOU NEED is a valid driver's license, a
validated birth certificate, a social security ID card, a
Visa or Mastercard, a letter from your Mom, a notarized form
releasing all liability, a pair of matching dark socks, a
twist of Lymon, an Add/Drop form, double-coupon redemption
certificates, three friends named Manny, Moe, and Jack,
flannel boxer shorts, a lock of hair from any dead relative,
sugarcubes, a petroleum-based lubricant, a valid student ID,
two pounds of boneless breast of chicken, cut into bite
sized pieces, a can of Campbell's Chicken Soup,  eight
ounces of sour cream,  mixed and covered with a ritz-cracker
crust with a quarter cup of butter, baked uncovered at 350
degrees, topped with three spoonfuls of poppy seeds.  A
biology textbook, a floppy disk, Elvis' Blue Hawaii
Soundtrack, A Clemson Basketball Player who Actually
Graduated, and an Award Winning Pep Band Party Pass.  It's
just that simple!  See ya after the show!

Double your pleasure with The Pep Band.  Pretty soon, you'll
be having multiples just thinking about it.  Then you'll see
why we say:  "Hey-- is that a wet cat  in your pocket or are
you just happy to see me?".  And remember: "A Pep Band in the hand
beats two in your bush."
MUSIC: Good Ol Song

EXIT STAGE RIGHT