The following is an official (although admittedly incomplete) recount of the night’s activities.
Monday, February 24, 1997, 17:32 hours - A guerrilla squad consisting of no less than 25 Banders strikes off from 112 Shamrock Rd. This crack squad … ummm I mean smack squad .. ummm, oh whatever! Anyway, they were under the lead of one General Evan “StoneJaw” MacBeth, one Peter “Lust for Me Baby” Tait, Roy “Rich really likes us … just kidding” Stephan, and a whole bunch of other monkey spanks. Hell, it was just an uncontrolled mob. Each was camouflaged in … oh wait. Who am I kidding? We all had on a bright orange vest or some other conspicuous form of identification. But they were out for good, on a mission from God. Or maybe even Steve Mershon.
17:34 hours - Several members of the squad narrowly escape death as they jump out of the way of an oncoming car that obviously COMPLETELY MISSED the orange blob crossing the street.
17:37 hours (heh heh … 37 minutes) - Objective One is met. The squad arrives, without destroying, vandalizing, or terrorizing anything on the way (although it would have been fun), at 1910 Jefferson Park Avenue, the residence of one Richard Janowski, author of the Cavalier Daily comic strip “rj5d”, and general thorn in the side of the band for the past two years. Bearing coupons entitling them to 5 free minutes of ass whipping as printed in that morning’s CD. Advance Scout Neil “I am and Echol’s Scholar” Lineberry, having already scouted the target area, informs the General that Mr. Janowski’s apartment is #24 1910 JPA. The squad moved into ass-kicking position.
17:38 hours - What timing!! The squad reaches #24 1910 JPA just as Mr. Janowski is leaving his appartment. After a moment of awe-inspired silence, he weakly uttered, “Uh, I have somewhere to go,” followed by turning to his apartment-mate and exclaiming, “You have to come see this!” His apartment-mate immediately got up and locked the door behind him. The General informed Mr. Janowski that the squad, numbering close to thirty, had coupons good for over 2 hours of ass-kicking. After a minute or two of stunned silence, Mr. Janowski attempted to joke his way out of the situation. After Private Chuck “Don’t let me mix you a drink unless you want to be drunk for the next three days” Hapgood bummed a cigarette, the General informed Mr. Janowski that we hoped that some kind of agreement could be reached, and that we would redeem these coupons before the end of the semester. With that, the squad turned and disappeared (HAH!) into the night.
17:45 hours - A small group of volunteers begins to distribute extra coupons on the cars surrounding Mr. Janowski’s apartment.
17:47 hours - Sub-Private Eric “PBST” Greiling passes the squad on Shamrock. Lamenting that he wished he had been there, Eric disappeared down Shamrock. The General determined that disciplinary action would be taken at a later date. The punishment would be doing the most appropriate thing with these three items: A ram-rod, 6 70-mm Howitzer shells, and Mr. Greiling’s anus.
17:48 hours - The squad returns to 112 Shamrock Rd., knowing that they had succeeded in their mission.
There are two possible outcomes to this night’s raid:
1) Mr. Janowski calls a truce, and the Banned scores a victory.
OR ...
2) Mr Janowski declares war by publishing a derogatory comic in Wednesday's CD, in shich case the war has just begun.
In any case, it was a whole helluva lot of fun. Here’s to us …
May, 1997
Mr. Janowski did indeed publish a comic on Wednesday, but inhis own, non-humorous, but still eye-catching way, called a truce between the band and himself.